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So my girlfriend and I are having some problems. [11.10.10 - 5.24pm]
She seems to be distressed by the fact that I've been on other dating sites and the like before I met her. I'm trying to explain to her not to worry about hte past, as the past is the past. I'm not the person she now thinks I am. I'm the person she met, she fell for, and fell for her. I just wish she saw this.
It just feels like she's trying to find something wrong with us, for it'll be easier than being in a relationship right now. And i think it's done subconsciously, too. Poor girl, I love her.

Anyway, I saw The Social Network last night -- it was quite good. not as good as I hoped it would be. But I can see why so many people rave about Jesse's performance.

I can't wait for poker tomorrow night. It's been a very long time since I've played, I miss it :) And i can't wait to get things resolved with the missus, cause I just want things to be good with her again. I wanna watch Paris, Je taime with her.



LJ post... for my sweetheart the drunk. [11.3.10 - 2.00pm]
4 weeks ago, I spent a night on OA where I conversed with a girl in an overnight session.
On that night, I've learned a lot about the very same girl. However it just wasn't enough. I couldn't let it be a one night stand.
over the next 3 days, I couldn't stop thinking about that girl. I coulnd't stop talking to that girl. I stayed up till the late hours of the night in order to be with that girl.

On one of those nights, she said her last goodbye.

8 days ago, she once again said goodbye. This time it was harder than before. We've planned on going out, we wanted to give it a go. But she just wasn't ready yet. "You gave your hand to me and then you said goodbye".
She told me to count till five, and then she walked away.

A week ago today, I was told by a friend that a girl was following me as I crossed the street towards Subway.
He said the girl was looking at me, she was searching, confused, nervous, and absolutely beautiful.
That girl was you.

Everything over the last week has been amazing. The ups, the downs, the days and the nights. It's all been superb. I couldn't imagine myself enjoying life quite as much with anyone else.

I'll end this with a line that definitely holds true in this situation. For after a year of mourning, a year of being lonely, you brought me back.

"Your smile is the sun, ma chère. And fallen men —- we need the sun"



Yoni's Memoir - Uni Work 2 [3.20.09 - 5.24pm]
So I've gotta write a memoir about a picture of mine. Iv'e already decided on the picture - I just have to figure out how to write it. And tonight I wanna write around 200 words.

----- STARTING HERE -----
Flashes Before Your Eyes - My Greatest Hits.
Yonathan Marlow
16119589


A couple of days ago, while organising my room in preparation for moving out of my parent's house, I found an old high-school shirt that caused an unstoppable deluge of emotions and memories to saturate my mind. This shirt represented my high-school life - it consisted of many comments and remarks written on it by my fellow school mates. I remember that last day of school as though it was today's breakfast.

---

"I can't believe it. It is finally here" I said with excitement as a not-so-quiet click was heard. And with one quick, insignificant flash, my mind sled through an invisible portal - where memories of the past 5 years flooded my already overwhelmed brain.

April 25th, 2002 - Stranger in a Strange Land
My first day at the new school, Masada College. My head was spinning and stomach was crumbling as though an earthquake was inside of me, but to my delight, a girl to my right was just as nauseous, just as terrified as I was.
"Surely another new student" I thought as I walked towards her and introduced myself.
"Hi, I'm Yoni" I said, quite softly as I smiled politely and waited for a reply. "I'm Kezia" she commented. For the next five minutes we mentioned how petrified we both were, comparing our fear to that of moving to another country, witnessing a meteor heading to earth and even going out on a first date. Later that day - upon arrival to Art Class, my last class of the day, I was pleased to find that Kezia was seated to my left. I believed this was the beginning of a beautiful friendship.
"Yoni, I thank you for all your encouragement in Art... Don't think I could have done it all without you. :) Good luck, Kezia." she wrote on my wrinkly white shirt on the last day of school - displaying her gratitude and grace that accompanied her throughout high-school.

It seems that much like life, the episodic flash appeared and disappeared without much warning.

May 2nd, 2002 - The Lie/Everyman for Himself
A week had past since I've made my arrival at the new school, the feelings that wouldn't go away and the feelings that knocked me sideways have all disappeared. I have made numerous friends, among of which were Adam, AKA Squeak. The fascinating issue in this situation is that surprisingly, I was warned against befriending Adam, as he was seen as the 'loser' or the underground filth of the grade - and becoming friends with him would perhaps push me down the barrel too. This warning came about rather early within the day - during pre-school prayers, thus I had focused my attention all through the day only to this particular plight. As the apocalypse drew nearer I've already made my decision - Adam was a nice guy, and he had helped me out by befriending me when I was just a baby within the school's womb, I will remain friends with him regardless of the consequences to my already troubled social life. This event represented what my high school life would have achieved, had it not been for another student arriving a year later - changing my life forever.
Remembering this moment, I once again looked down at the scribbled, white collared shirt, and read "Sup Yoni. Wish you all the luck you need. THUNDERBIRDS ARE GO!!. Squeak. :)", I quickly smiled and continued studying the comments.

July 12th, 2002 - The Constant/The Other Woman
I remember that night as if it was last. It was Jewish Studies camp in year 9, 81 of my classmates, and 7 tutors and teachers all sitting and sharing stories with each other. In the center burnt a bonfire with potatoes and sausages cooking within it. The warmth escaping from the flames was like a representation of my feelings for Hayley, a short, skinny, brown haired girl with a smile that shone brighter than even the brightest of stars, and braces covering her teeth. However in one distinct moment - the tides changed direction, And while Hayley and I bonded further and became rather essential in each others lives (mainly through our common sarcastic remarks and selfless nature), it was Nicole who captivated me. Was it her blonde long hair? Her small bubble like eyes, or her height - which at 150cms her body convinced itself to stop growing? I was unsure. All I knew was the girl sitting on the wooden log on my right has captured my heart, and I was embraced by her presence. A love dead, but another creeps into the heart as it moved on. Nicole became my constant love for the following 2 years.
As I reflected on this moment, I began reading the comments both girls wrote on my shirt:
"Joni, smile, you funny character! Thanks for always being honest and informing me of the truth with your sarcastic comments! I know you will continue with your witty ways. Love Always, Hayley" she wrote. As I glance over this comment 3 years later - I can't help but feel slight disappointment as we have never really continued on our friendship.
"Joni, keep smiling. Love NIX!! (Good Luck)." Nicole wrote. A little anti-climatic considering all that her and I have gone through, if you ask me.

September 03 - Man of Science, Man of Faith
I remember getting to school rather late one day due to being glued to the TV as Bill and Ted's Excellent Adventure played on TV1. It was the first time I've watched it since I was a young boy living in Israel and I forgot how much I enjoyed the movie. Everything from the main characters to the concept of time traveling in a phone booth enticed me. Throughout the day I constantly quoted the movie; and ended every sentence with the infamous "Excellent!" and air-guitar solo combination that was presented in the movie. To my joy and surprise, Stefan, a very religious, shy and incredibly book-smart student contributed to the guitar solo with his own rendition. The two of us were and still are complete contradiction of each other, however when Bill and Ted were discussed, we were one and the same. We then further bonded over our love of the movie by describing our favorite moments (His was when Bill and Ted had to confront their clones, while mine was the monologue including a reference of Iron Maiden, a heavy metal band) and other movies we both enjoyed viewing. However not once since that original conversation have we both mingled so well.
"Dude, Excellent!" was his adios missive, written boldly on the shoulder area. Rather fitting all things considered.

July 23rd, 2005 - Four Months Later
Throughout high school there were several class-mates that I've befriended - however only 2 who I actually kept in touch with until this very day. Jonti was one of them. While initially we hardly socialised despite our loquacious nature, once we were forced to sit next beside one another in Art class, things changed drastically. We've bonded over music, movies and our view of life. Truthfully, my most cherished present on my 18th birthday was the Jeff Buckley - Grace CD that Jonti bought me. It is because of Jeff Buckley that my admiration for music evolved and I soon learned to play guitar - with Jonti as my tutor. However, my most distinct memory that eventually led to Jonti's comment on the sleeve of my wrinkled shirt is when him and I took a lethargic and carefree approach to our schooling, and did not go to the school's assembly, Rather we drove to a shopping centre nearby, bought the soundtrack to one of our favorite childhood movies, The Labyrinth, and drove around the suburbs musing to David Bowie music.
His note matters more than most, as we are still friends to this day. It says "Dear Joni, your sleeve is like a labyrinth. Thanks for the fun times and I'm proud we are still studying for Art and Studies of Religion. See ya, from Jonti".

Last day of School - Because You Left
As I glanced over and deciphered all these notes on my shirt, there was one which I was most looking forward to reading, however was written on my back. I quickly took the shirt off and placed it on the table infront of me. This comment was written just mere moments before the light flashed, and the camera made it's last sound. I remember turning around, looking at Gal, smiling, then remembering that he is leaving to another country in 2 weeks, and then I began reading the essay:
"Yoni. I'm gonna miss you and all our good lines and music and 'study'. All the best for all your life and thanks for being the original person that you are. Seriously stay the way you are. Call and visit me. Gal. EXCELLENT!". As I read his comment it rained in my cloud-like brain, where each rain-drop was just another memory we've shared. Everything from studying for Maths, to partying at comrade's 18ths, and even playing handball during recess until year 12.
I then turned around towards Gal who was standing still behind me and said "Thanks. Sincerely. For everything".

Thankfully, Gal and I have kept in touch, and as a matter of fact I've visited him in Israel twice since the last day he spent in Australia. Luckily Jonti and I are still friends and jam on the guitar rather often. I frequently wonder whether I'd be the same person I am today if it wasn't for all these characters in my life's history. What if I had never met Nicole and hadn't been fixated on her for 2 years? Would I have been as much into my faith if it wasn't for Stefan? most importantly - would I have been the same sarcastic and witty individual if it wasn't for Gal and Hayley? These are questions I will never know the answer to, but it is better that way. My friends gave me the power to struggle through high-school and now, I have to go through life
-------------------------------------
Squeak.
Jonti - Labyrinth. Guitar. Buckley
SALVATION = GAL + Because you left - ...And Found



Uni work [3.13.09 - 6.59pm]
Well, I've been told I need to post more on LJ by Jerec! JEREC! lol. A Day later I was told to rewrite something we wrote for uni.. so I've decided I'd just rewrite it here, and change it on a daily basis until it sounds good. EASY!

"Ahhhh! It is 12:10pm and she is still not here!"
Boredom captivated me. I found myself aimlessly scanning the area, glaring around and across the street, searching for her familiar face. The thought of being stood up got me more nauseous by the second. And then, another 10 minutes have passed and still no sight of the one who controls my heart. While I waited impatiently, my only solace was to stare at pedestrians sauntering by gracefully, and image what they were saying and what they meant to each other. Self doubt began piercing my thoughts like a woodpecker pecks a tree; causing the butterflies in my stomach to turn into cocoons, seizing to move. "Do they care about each other more than she does about me? Is that why they are having fun?" I asked myself. The self doubt shifted into an ominous state as 10 more minutes have vanished without notice. By 12:40 I just held on to the slight glimpse of false hope and optimism the remained, acknowledging the fact that I have been stood up, but pathetically creating various excuses for her to name; hiding her poor effort. I've decided to wait until 1pm and hope she turned up with a suitable excuse; otherwise I'll furiously leave.
As 1pm drew nearer, my depression slowly disappeared as feelings of rage and frustration consumed me. I was at disbelief of what had transpired.. To quote a great song "All in all you're just another brick in the wall." stentorian voice.



I knew it was a mistake and I did it anyway. [3.4.08 - 10.56am]
Oi vey!

Recently, I've done some things which I clearly not calculated well enough - and were mistakes. Kissing Renata, going out with Camila, bludging uni, sleeping with Lulu and so on. But - I repeat my mistakes. This is another.

There's this girl I've known for three years, Liz. I met her one night when Gal, myself, Sarah and Liz all went out for dinner - I suppose Gal needed two other people do be there so it's not awkward between him and Sarah at first.

Anyway, for the past three years, I've always, at some point, wanted to kiss that girl - and actually go out with her. Whenever I turned single, I've wanted to give it a go with her, but never really truly bothered with it.

See, I know this girl. She's not the type of girl who would want to settle down into a relationship as of yet - especially with someone such as myself (She knows im insane, she knows a lot about me since we've been friends for three years). There were many times where she was interested in going out on a date with me, some times even as recent as 2 weeks ago - but she never truly actually wanted me, see.

Regardless, last Tuesday Dave and myself went to Liz's house party since she was home alone. Dave met Em there, and actually wanted to see her again.. However Em is shy, so Em and Liz decided that the best way for Em and Dave to go out on a date, would be a double date with Dave and... Me. So a double date was organised for last night, and after many hours together... around the end of the night at 1:20ish am, when Dave and Em walked 'to the bathroom', I kissed Liz.

After a wait of three years, I kissed this girl. And it was brilliant. We kissed a bit more, she even pretty much told me to kiss her again.. Later, when we said goodbyes, she took the lolly I had in my mouth, and kissed me again, etc.

Oh swell! Things are going well - but I know Liz, and we've even talked since - and things are just gonna continue on the way they were..

*sigh*

PS. Up until today (so for two months), I've been avoiding the song Amie by Damien Rice - for obvious reasons. But today! I am fine with listening to it, finally. Win!



just quickly mentioning things that happened tonight - so i can write them better tomorrow [2.3.08 - 3.28am]
Okies:
The SHIP!!!
busking guy
waiting for 2 hours till wayne arrives.
Ice cream
Running into Nicole-Sophia
Running into Bel ^_^
Then Lowenbrau with Wayne and his friends who are great. Meeting people. Asian chick who wants me. Going home at 2am instead of the proposed 10 I thought it was going to be. Hurrah. No drinking, too.



I feel so abandoned. [1.9.08 - 9.58pm]
I really do. Aimee and I broke up few days ago, and we hung around once since then. That's alright.. it was a mutual thing, and we just had to try and move on. We still want each other though - and we just know it won't work out if we give it another go. So now, i've got nothing to do and im bored at home almost every night cause my friends either live too far, are with their partners, or work.

I've tried calling my two best friends, and they're always with their girlfriends. Bevin won't answer the phone, and neither would Joel at the moment - which makes it worse because now I just feel abandoned by them, too.

The Aimee break up didn't really hit me until around last night - where I talked to her and I realised how much im missing her and how much i just wanna see her and kiss her. She's gone to the RSL tonight - and my only thought is that i should drive there and grab her and do that... but I know I shouldn't because - it won't work. Us not seeing each other at the moment is for the best in the long run.. but without my friends here, i just find it really hard to manage all this.

I dont know.



Ahh.. something's wrong with me :/ [9.24.07 - 9.29am]
Last night, I started getting paranoid and upset again.

I spent 2 hours with my girlfriend, and when she left, I was upset.
Not because something was wrong.. nothing was wrong! Maybe one little thing, but it shouldn't matter.
I was tired, I was upset, etc. and trying to figure out the problem. Turns out, I couldn't. And since then I've been getting worse and worse. And what's really bad is that I'm meant to see her in an hour and a half, but i smsd her asking if it's still at 11 cause I know she had something to do, and there was no reply.. since last night. That's insane! she ALWAYS replies and ALWAYS sms' me in the morning.. but not today
So the whole night, I was unable to sleep... woke up today and no sms and i was like ;_;. Ahhhhh WHY DO I WORRY ABOUT THINGS THAT SHOULDNT MATTER?!

I thought, maybe I'm just not used to these type of relationships, cause this one is very different to my past ones, but that wouldn't explain it all... I'm half tempted to talk to her about it all completely, and show her how paranoid I was.. but it'll probably ruin the relationship - so I'll have to hide it from her, probably. I don't know what to do.

blah.



Even though no one ever comments these anymore.. [9.14.07 - 1.17am]
I decided I'll make another entry; this time a rather contemplative one.

It amazes me how things that happened 2-3 years ago (many things from 2005) can affect my life SO much nowadays. A few things just pop to mind:

A. If I didn't meet Steph that year, I wouldn't be half the person I am today. I'd be that shy geeky kid that couldn't get a girlfriend due to his introvert nature. But she brought out the outgoing side of me, changing who I was for the better. Without this, I wouldn't have had girlfriends like Bek, female-partners like Cathy, etc. and definitely wouldn't have been with Aimee currently.

B. Without my Art Teacher Mrs Florey saying "you have the most gracious soul I've ever met" - I would have probably not remained the nice guy I have been over the last few years. Yes, I'm not as nice as I used to be, but I try to help people still when they really need it.

C. Another thing that happened today (which rather triggered this update) was a chat I had with Jade, a girl I met online back in May 2005 when I came back from Israel. We had the chance to make something, but she lived too far, and we lived different life-styles. Throughout the years, we've talked about meeting up and trying it, over and over again, but never have. Tonight we talked again and she confessed to thinking about 'what could have been' and how she really should have made the effort to make it work, cause she always regrets that she didn't. She went so far as to say that there was something there despite us never meeting. She even said that if we met now, there'd be so much passion, and the build up was so .. long, that we'd probably end up having sex, and she'd want it to happen. This is a person who does not sleep with anyone unless they've been together for ages, and it feels right.

But regardless, stuff like these make me realise that certain moments in your life define who you are forever, and it amazes me how true this is.

Anywho, cheers.



It's amazing, eh? [6.26.07 - 5.32pm]
You forget sometimes, how life can end so suddenly, how we take life for granted 99% of the time. It's depressing to think that in one moment, one's whole world can turn upside down.

Monday, the 25th of June, Chris Benoit -a legendary wrestler- was found dead. He is claimed to have murdered his wife and 7 year old son. I hope that is not the case, and nothing is of certain quite yet. He was a wrestler that many wrestling fans and wrestlers alike idealised. He will greatly be missed.

RIP Chris Benoit. You were one of the best. 4REAL.



argh... [6.19.07 - 12.13pm]
I havn't updated in a while so let me quickly:
Met a girl, slept with her, and it didn't work. I reckon she was using me for my sex, which sucks. So yeah. Uncool. I'm half tempted to turn into a manwhore! yah. haha. uhh not much is happening. I've got exams at the moment - 2 of them in the next two days, and i should be studying right now... But yeah. I'm sick of studying. And I'm sick, too. Haha. Oh God.

>_



You know, there are few people I'll never forget [4.24.07 - 1.33am]
who I don't talk to anymore. And it's not just like... people who I'll never forget. These are people who I care so much about, still... and funny thing is, I know chances are I wont' talk to those four probably ever again. There are PLENTY of other people who i dont talk to anymore who ill miss, and probably won't forget... but these people are beyond that.. And i don't even know why.

Tezza/Tegan.
Sarag
Sephiroth (I've always called him that, and I don't remember his actual name...)
LAst, but definitely not least.. Alexis..

I miss ya all.



[2.23.07 - 2.38pm]
Last night.. was the greatest night of my life. Fuck losing my virginity, fuck having a great fun drunken time with my mates, fuck all of that... Damien Rice live is so much better!

The day was brilliant. Met up with Bevin at 2pm at Town Hall, gave him a rose I got for free. Haha.
We walked around and as the show was in Enmore Theatre, we actually ended up walking to Newtown for the fun of it. We got there like 2.5-3 hours early, so we sat and joked around. Started talking to a couple of girls:

Then Asian and I went walking for a bit and looked for the toilet for around an hour. We got back, and the doors were opening in 20 minutes. Excitment began. The line was much longer.

Doors opened and we RAN to our seats... and a few minutes later Fionn Regan began his setlist. He played for only 30 minutes, but his music is very soothing. He reminded me of Joseph Arthur... so yar.

Then Damien Rice played... the setlist:
Woman Like A Man
Delicate
The Professor and La Fille
Volcano
Rootless Tree
Coconut Skins
Eskimo
Childish
9 Crimes
Grey Room
Older Chests
Me, My Yolk And I
Elephant
Amie

---Encore---

Random Man On The Motorway
Cannonball
The Blower's Daughter
Be My Husband


It was unbeliavable. A few notes:
Woman Like a Man was Damien alone.
Volcano went for extra 3 minutes of rocking out, and then turned into Rootless Tree on piano. He connected the two.
He started Delicate on a wrong note and changed after the first verse.
Everything was amazing.

THE END.



So what's this? A monthly fascade? [2.4.07 - 2.56am]
Seems that once a month, I get a day that really drains me, and hits me where it hurts - resulting in me hating myself, the people I work with, my friends, and people I like. Today was such a day. It became apparent that I can put on a happy face and continue living for 29 days, and on the 30th day, my life is hell and it gets me down completely.

Again, like last time, the day started swell, and continued greatness until I had my break at work.

Background information: I covered a shift for a mate called Ryan (best mate at work) tonight cause he went for his RSA or whatever, and thought he wouldn't make it to work in time. Alrighty.

He got home 1.5 hours before work was going to start, and all that. I didn't mind that, cause I get paid and all that. But we had plans that at 12am I'd go to his, park my car in his house, and we'll go get drunk at the RSL... That's not what happened.

During my break he tells me that he's going to watch a movie (which meant he won't be home at 12..) with this girl, Sam (whom I wanna be really good friends with). That got me slightly irritated already.

Then at work, manager once more just picks on me, even though I did more work than everyone else, just for jokes. But when I'm already annoyed, and tired, and have 3-4 people picking on me as jokes, it gets really irritating... so I got angrier.

A couple of hours later, I get a call and they tell me that they'll meet me at the RSL, rather than their house (which means I have to drive...) and let me talk to Timmy who was with them (A mate I really wanted to hang with cause we won't be seeing eachother much longer anymore).

Immensly angry, I agreed, etc. and got to the RSL. There, I found out that they were also with Freakin' EMMA! A woman who I like... and would have loved to spend time with her as I think she's a cutie. They went bowling, and then watched a movie together... all while I worked to cover Ryan's shift...

Yeah thanks. I'm glad you had such a fuckin' blast while I worked for you. With the people I have been dying to hang with (just those.. normally it's those poeple and other people I find irritating.. os it's not as much fun). Fuckin' argh.

I left home early cause I was really pissed off. Still am. Cunts,



Another update! [2.1.07 - 9.35pm]
So uhh.. yeah I don't know. For some reason, I can't seem to get this one girl out of my mind >_< I didn't even talk to her. Haha it's just pure lust. but man she was gorgeous.

We went Ice Skating - and there was this girl.. around 16. She wasn't good at it, and i was gonna offer her help but some oldie ended up with her, apparently it was her mum. They went passed us and talked in another language, which I asked her mum what it was and she said it was Italian so I engaged in a little bit of convo with the mum, while the daughter was there.

Then as we all went out of the ice, the Italian girl walked passed us, so me being myself had to ask for her age. And she looked at me with a smile, giggled, and waved her hand/fingers at me, as a sign of goodbye. It was the hottest thing I've ever seen in my life. She pulled it off so well. Argh. I should have made a move. But I promised myself I wouldn't for a while. >_



Been rather good lately. [1.31.07 - 10.42am]
Just a tiny update for whomever's reading this amazing blog.

Last Monday: went ice skating with workmates. Was awesome. Met Carla. Got her number. Not going for it.
Tuesday - Monti's gathering that night. Great stuff.
Wednesday - Worked night with Emma, Ryan etc. Awesome shift.
Thursday - I went to BDO. Got home at 1:30am.
Friday night - I had work. I ended up going to pick up steph and her mates from the city at 2:30 am, got home at 7am. Good night.
Saturday - Ended up going bowling at Dee Why with work mates (Ryan, Monti, Jack) and then we all went ice skating with PJ as well. Got home at around 2am.
Sunday - Worked sunday night and ended up going for midnight slurpies with Ryan, Emma and Sam I think it was. Got home at 1.
Monday - Worked 12-5pm. Then decided to go ice skating again, with Ryan, his brother, and Ryan's friend, Josh. Went for slurpies in chatty again, then went to Dee Why and drove around. Mocked around and had awesome kababs, and met some funny drunk girls. Got home at around 2-3am?
Tuesday - Went out during the day with Angie. That night Ryan asked me to work with him from 8-11. So I went to work and they let me work XFD. Awesome. Went looking for slurpies... but both places we went to didn't work O_o. Got home at 1am, ish.

Fun times.



This is just for you.. [1.24.07 - 1.00am]
[ mood | content ]

I know you'll read this - because you read my other update - even though you probably only did so recently. I didn't want to comment on your new update - because I think it's probably best to leave it untouched and uncommented as it'll be more intimate for you specifically, in my opinion. If it really just felt more like just between you two.

You know though - after reading that whole letter (Which by the way, was really beautifully written and I hope to God he sees that for your sake - and that somehow, someway, it works out for you, cause I'll always want you to be the happiest you can be), I've decided that once again (even though you've already 'left') I can't talk to you for a while... Maybe even ever.

I don't hate you. As I told you before, I could never hate you, and you know how I feel about you. How it feels like I'd always feel that way. A few things you've said in that letter just really hurt me, I suppose. And I doubt it's what you think about it. It's not the fact you had sex, it's not the fact you were apparently with Shaun again, and it's not the fact that you love Scott (or so it seems). It's actually nothing that has to do with that. If you wanna know what it is, just email me or something - I'd rather people here don't know.

It just.. confuses me, I suppose. And it's painfully obvious that I'm not a part of your life anymore, and even if you're back soon, you said it yourself - you won't be who you were. And I don't wanna tarnish the view of you that I've got - because at the moment, it still is that of the gracious, sweet, elegant girl that I completely fell head over heels for. And I'd like to keep on believing that ... a girl like that exists, I suppose.

I know this supposed 'letter' is pathetic, and you probably won't even reply or tell me that you read it - and it'll go on being ignored by you for the rest of eternity, but that's alright.

Hopefully you'll still tell me when you're back... and then I'll tell you when/if I am. I really do hope though, you read and reply to this. Even if it's something tiny.. just so I know. Mean the world.

I suppose (for now at least...), this is (as Buckley put it) "our last goodbye".




Ahhh this is insane. [1.22.07 - 12.15am]
[ mood | sad ]

She wants me not to comment - and I'm dying to. I wanna contact her. how do I know she'll be back? how do I know it'll be the same? Am I the only one she's kicking out to the curb right now? If so why? and I can't ask. She won't answer even if I do. Argh. This is just... I wanna cry. It's pathetic and stupid if it's just me she's avoiding.

I can't deal with this anymore. Nothing is good at the moment - yeah woo going out a lot - but what i want most i can't have. I never can. I don't even know where to begin with what. But none of that even matter cause none of that - has her in it.

I'm so fed up with all this bullshit. I cant deal.




DAyum! [1.19.07 - 1.17pm]
I've played FFXII for 48 hours - and around 20 of those have been of me levelling up around 10 levels or so - so I can go into the caves where the first optional summon is. And I still am not strong enough to beat the monsters in the cave ;_;



And another day I hated.. [1.8.07 - 11.40pm]
It's depressing that these type of days become more and more frequent in my life, since a few months ago - it was so rare. Too much is going on, I suppose.

Today was just... terrible. It was shit. I hated it. I never wanna experience it again. I wanna sleep. I wanna forget about it forever. And nothing majorly big even happened.

I wanted to cry at work from about 7pm'ish onwards... again. THATS LIKE TWICE IN 2 weeks... that's not like me? =\ and I enjoy work greatly..but this sucked.

Things that sucked today:
A. Parents are back from their holidays - so dad's home again and i gotta help him with everything. I had to work on the back yard and dig up sand etc. for a few hours today, preparing for the House Extensions... Which means I missed on doing what I wanted to do, and now have to choose whether to do it now, or do something else I planned on doing. Great.
B. I was asked by Emma to give her a lift home after work (this was before work started) and I agreed. Then since some things happened at work - all I wanted was a hug cause hugs would help... but i didn't ask etc. cause i felt weird. And then by the end of work, she ended up telling me she'll take a ride with Aniket (though she knew I really wanted to give her a ride)... a guy who last shift actually hit her (playfully I think?), and she claims she doesn't like. Just...argh.
C. The managet tonight basically hinted that im incapable of doing work by myself, etc. And this really almost made me cry on the spot. he did so in a friendly way... but when someone tells you that other people had to do my job etc... eh.
D. Tomorrow's plans got cancelled... im too emo to even talk about it though.

Yup, I hate life. Suicide is the only option. They know! Oh vey, the terrible life of Shi! Yeah I know it's pathetic. WORST.LIFE.EVER. >_> <_<



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